Well it ain't the Dark Arts
by Ribanusa
Summary: Severus gets himself into a jam by accidentally agreeing to teach sex ed the the third years...rated pg 13 for crude jokes made by students xD lol


"Severus, I have a…type of a job proposition for you."

Dumbledore leaned over on his desk, spectacle sliding down an inch to the tip of his nose. Snape leaned forward in anticipation, practically salivating. After all, the Dark Arts job had been vacated once again. He looked down to see his foot twitching uncontrollably. As it turned out, he couldn't stop it.

"I would like you-"

"Yes…"

"To take the responsibility, and this will cut into your class time, to-"

"yes, headmaster…" Snape's foot was now rattling the against Dumbledore's desk.

"To teach Sex Education."

Snape's foot stopped so sudden he almost cramped.

"S-sex Ed?"

"Yes, Snape, and you seemed so eager for the job I'm going to let you take it." 

Dumbledore reached into his pocket and pulled out a big gold stopwatch.

"Well, Severus, Your class seems to be starting in five minutes. I suggest you get there in time, I'm sure the students are eager to learn." 

Was it just him, or did Dumbledore have his trademark twinkle in his eye? Thought Snape as he walked, almost already getting the beginnings of a tremendous headache. It was going to be quite a day.

When he got to the class room, he almost groaned. Of course, it _would_ be the third year Slytherin Gryffindor class. Just what he needed to make his predicament better.

Annoyingly awake, Hermione was already looking smart and raising her hand.

"Yes, what is it Granger."

"There's new books!" She pointed out eagerly to a stack of blue and white text books stacked up on his desk. Looking at them closely Snape read "Sex and the Student - Teaching Kids about Sexuality." What an acid trip, Snape thought. Who the hell would come up with type of thing?!

"Oh, yes." 

He said, trying his best to sound dull. But the students had already sensed his revulsion and were closing in like a potions teacher on an unwary first year. Oh, to hell with it. Snape thought and decided to plunge in head on.

"I am, for the next, uh, six weeks, going to be teaching you sexual education."

Laughter broke out all around. Hermione blushed a faint red, Harry and Ron laughed loudly (along with Seamus and Dean), Lavender and Parvati (as is expected of supporting, female, and socially acceptable characters) giggled incessantly. Malfoy, as could be expected, looked coy. 

"Shut up. Malfoy, Weasley come pass out these books." 

The class fell silent and Malfoy and Ron picked up the stacks of books. 

" Sex and the Student - Teaching Kids about Sexuality. Hmmm, this looks interesting." Malfoy commented aloud, sending the class into another fit of laughter.

"Malfoy, seat yourself immediately." 

"Of course professor." Malfoy said, dropping the books on the floor and sitting in his desk. Snape mentally slapped himself. Why the hell did he turn good, damnit? The dark side was so much easier; at least minions obeyed. 

"Pick up those books, Malfoy."

"But you told me t-"

"_I said pick up those books, Malfoy."_ Snape attempted to threaten him. Malfoy picked up the books slowly and dropped them on peoples desks.

"Now if you will all turn to page thirty one, we can begin. Lavender, read the first chapter aloud."

"Boys and girls are different. These differences are marked the appearance of a-" Parvati giggled "Penis-" Parvati and the rest of the class laughed again. Snape looked cross. 

"Lavender, stop reading. Weasley, begin where Brown left off."

Ron pretended to look like he wasn't flipping back to page thirty one from the Stages of Growth in Breast's section. 

"-and for girls, a Vagi-" The whole class started to laugh uncontrollably. Ron didn't even need to finish the word.

Fuck this, muttered Snape, but remembering Dumbledore tried to build up a resolve.

"Um, we're not going to read anymore. Lets move on to-" He consulted the manual and groaned mentally. "-asking questions. According to the manual, you may ask any question you like. Uh, Bulstrode."

"What's the difference," Millicent croaked, "Between a panty and a-" laughter. "thong?" 

There was a mutual look of disgust and some of the boys even started having seizures and spazzing out on the floor with the thought of Millicent Bulstrode in a thong. Even Snape was petrified momentarily. However he still had to answer the question.

"Well, a "panty" as you crudely call it-" Snape said, trying to regain some of his omnipotence of the class. "-has a back. A "thong" has a string instead."

There was a pause, more laughter, and then Pansy leaned over to her best friend Blaise. She whispered something, then Blaise turned pink and giggled.

"What _is_ it, Zabini?"

Blaise giggled some more but managed to choke out a question.

"Can you draw a diagram, please professor?"

As Seamus started laughing so hard he fell out of his chair, a process teacher do not usually approve of, Snape simply stared open mouthed at her. He blinked. Twice. Three times. Maybe the blinking would clear his vision and this would all turn into a dream. It didn't. He checked the manual. It said he had to do all he could to answer the questions. He assumed that also meant drawing diagrams. He hoped he was wrong, and checked the manual again. He was cruelly disappointed.

He went to the board and picked up a piece of chalk. He drew a lovely frilly black thong and some old looking yellow granny panties. The class's eyes bugged out in disgust at the latter picture. Snape smiled to himself. 

"The under wear displayed on the left is usually for women-"

"Are there guy thongs?" Asked Malfoy, looking earnest. 

Snape glared and the question went unanswered. He definitely did not want some Gryffindors or Slytherins attempting a search and seizure of his dressing rooms. They actually might find something, if he didn't hide them well enough…

"and these on the left are a specimen of a type of panties. Old women-"

An anonymous student whispered audibly, "Or Snape-" Snickers followed, and Snape continued to try and glare the class down.

"-Wear these. Next question."

Snape looked around searching in vain for some escape from the madness. Finally, he found Hermione raising her hand. Aha! Maybe should would have a sensible question, such as how do you cure AIDs or something like that. But that was not to be.

"Can you show us what a condom is?" 

His face fell while the class, once again, tittered.

"What?" asked Hermione, cross. "It's a decent question!"

"I bet _you_ know how to use one!" Laughed Dean. 

Hermione turned a faint red. 

"Do you know what one _is_?" She fired back. Dean turned a faint shade of red in turn; he didn't exactly know either. The class was quickly turning into an uproar. 

"Well, when I was in muggle school, they put one over a banana to show us how to do it!" Piped up Colin Creevey, who, for the convenience of the author, was present in the scene. Kids around him laughed.

"And then this lady put her whole hand in it, to show the girls that no guy could say he was t-"

"CREEVY! THAT IS ENOUGH!!!" Snape shouted furiously, immediately cowing the boy. He smiled to himself. At least, had some measure of power still. 

"Now," He said slowly, as if he was about to inflict a horrible punishment, "We will do worksheets."

"Awww," The class groaned, but about five seconds later it hit them that they were most likely doing worksheets about the topic and hand. More tittering.

"Parkington, Granger, come to the class and pick these up." 

Hermione and Pansy picked up the pile of sheets up from the desk. Strangely, Hermione's face almost immediately turned a brilliant scarlet. You can guess who picked up the ones about male productive organs. And it certainly wasn't Pansy.

More giggles as the girls handed out the sheets. Snape sat down in his chair with a sigh, deciding, because the class was already ruined, to just let the whole thing go to hell. In retrospect, this was a stupid idea, but Snape was not exactly thinking clearly. His mind was still a bit frozen in disgust about Millicent's question.

"You may work on these in class, but I expect them back next Thursday." 

There was a bit of scribbling of pencils, then giggling. He heard Parvati lean over to Harry and whisper, quite smugly, what was the scientific name for balls. Harry turned pink and said he didn't know. 

The silent flow of conversation slowly rose audible and Snape caught pieces of it.

"Hey, does this label go here or here?"

"I dunno, looks the same to me."

"What's a you know what's label?"

"Over here you idiot!"

"Oh I thought that was a -"

"How stupid can you get?"

"Hey Hermione ,what's this called?"

"Ron you _have_ to know what that is-"

"Nuh uh!"

"Ron, I can tell your just trying to make me say it-"

"Say it! Say it Hermione! I know you want to…."

"Ron, you are such a perv."

"I know, but this time Harry put me up to it."

"HARRY!" 

"No! He's lying!"

"Hey Seamus, guess what?"

"What?"

"Well, in this muggle magazine of me dad's I saw and add for-"

"For what?"

"Jeez, do I have to say it louder?"

"Yes! When you don't talk into my ear while your whispering _I can't hear._ Is that such a revelation to you Lavender?"

"Shut up. It was an add for _Viagra._"

"Hahaha!!! What did it say?"

Snape got up, turned and walked to face the wall, and slowly started banging his head against it.

THE END


End file.
